someone threw a dead crab at me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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