i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
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