Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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