Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
