Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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