she looked like the before picture.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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