I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
