so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's official drugs can't kill me
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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