Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
