I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
