whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
