if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
