areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Me too!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
