walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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