I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
