Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
