evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
