Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
