I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
