just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
