3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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