I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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