nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
