We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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