Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
