Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The adults are the big ones right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
