I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
