Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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