So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Randomize
