There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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