Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
