yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
