Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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