My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
