ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
