i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You did what with his pubic hair?
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