I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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