i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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