My hand turned me down
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
