Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
