My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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