If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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