I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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