cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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