You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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