someone threw a dead crab at me
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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