Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
