I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
