My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
