Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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