I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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